1. Elevator police- you know them. In fact, you might be one of them. Those people who take it upon themselves to control the opening and closing of elevator doors. Once they get into the elevator, they must stand close to the buttons. The more extreme ones ask everyone where they are getting off. Just so they can press the button themselves. No one is allowed to come near their precious buttons. And then when anyone gets on, they are quick to hold down the close button as if there’s a vampire waiting in the corner ready to jump in and drink their blood.
why am i so pained, you might ask? Well, in my office building, you get an elevator assigned to your floor when you tap in. the system likes to assign as many people as possible across different floors into any one elevator. You cannot select a floor once you are in the elevator as all the floors are pre-selected. Now sometimes when the elevator comes and people get in, the doors don’t close immediately because there are more people tapping in that have been assigned to that elevator (hope this makes sense). But generally, one never has to wait up to 1 minute before the doors close and the elevator shoots off. For some people, however, this is 45 seconds too long. As soon as they get in, they proceed to hold down the close button, effectively cutting off all the other people who are hurrying down to the elevator. It’s even more annoying when this ‘police man’ was someone who had hurried to the elevator himself, while everyone patiently waited for him/her. Best way to deal with them? Stand on the other side of the door and secretly lean on the ‘open’ button.
2. The loudspeakers- arrrghhh...... even more annoying than the elevator police are the loudspeakers. They walk into an elevator and proceed to have the loudest most vapid conversation known to man. Now don’t get me wrong, i am not saying people shouldn’t speak in an elevator. But it’s an enclosed space. When there are 7 -12 people packed in an enclosed space and 2 of them start having a loud conversation on the fish and chips they had last night, you have to admit, it’s pretty annoying. Speak in low tones for God’s sake. Or better yet, if it isn’t relevant to a meeting you have in two minutes or it isn’t something that can help the greater good, shut the hell up and wait till you get out of the lift. Best way to deal with them- give them the stare. If that doesn’t work, at least you tried
3. The smilers - sigh!! Those perky people that think it’s nice and friendly to say hello to everyone in the elevator. Not just a grunt or a nod, but an annoyingly lively greeting which, if you are unfortunate enough to smile back, is followed by even more annoying idle small talk. Now i am all for saying a quick good morning when you get into the elevator (even then, when there’s more than 5 people, then it’s just pointless), especially if it’s an office building. But a cheery “hello” into an elevator filled with people, is just too much. Best way to deal with them? Smile back :-) what the hell, life is short, might as well be pleasant!
4. The concrete pillars- more annoying than the loudspeakers and the police are the pillars. These are the ones who know they are getting off at the topmost floor but decide that somehow it is okay to plant their immoveable feet right in front of the door. When the elevator stops at another floor, they somehow think that they are made of air and people should just pass through them. More annoying is when they are listening to loud music or typing furiously on their phones and you literally have to scream out “excuse me” before they deem it fit to move out of the way. I usually like to give a nice firm tap on the shoulder as well. These guys are usually found in trains as well. Standing guard at the door. Best way to deal with them? Snap your fingers in their face and say “focus”!
5. The lookers- no, i don’t mean good looking people. I mean the ones that love to stare. These ones are my favourite. They look everyone in the lift up and down (no mean feat in an elevator filled to nearly overflowing) and can describe in detail everyone’s hairstyle, who’s got a hot bod/cute butt and who didn’t bother to iron their clothes that morning. They usually stand at the back for the best view and have been known to go past their floor sometimes just to see where everyone gets off. You know why they are my favourite? Because i am one of them :-) Best way to deal with them (er...us)?? Wait till the appraisal is done and when your eyes meet, give a lascivious wink. But be careful, If they're anything like me they'd probably wink back. And that would b kinda awkward.
So tell me, which elevators types have you had the pleasure of meeting?
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